Press

An interview with Tim Allen

from Laugh Factory Magazine, 1994

by Kim Flagg

Step right up and see the amazing human paradoxical enigma! Right before your very eyes, you’ll see a man that’s part machismo, part feminist; he’s part stand-up comic, part TV actor; an enormous star, and yet a regular guy. Who is this amazing human paradoxical enigma? Tim Allen, of course, but he’s anything but a side show act.

We all know him as the Detroit stand-up who made his way through the '80s in comedy clubs to the '90s at comedy concerts, where his celebration of manhood humor is greeted by packed houses and standing ovations. We all know him from television’s No. 1 sitcom, “Home Improvement,” as the father-of-three, husband-to-one and cable show fix-it host, Tim Taylor. He’s the man who can wear a craftsman tool belt, with a Hugo Boss tie. He’s the man with all the answers, yet the one asking the questions. His fascinating mix of contradictions is at the heart of his enormous popularity. Everybody can relate to this guy… everybody.

Last week I got to relate to him from across the black leather sofa in his living room. I found him silly, yet serious. Guarded, yet accessible. Distracted, but somehow very focused. He has a deep appreciation for the weird, and is a connoisseur of the odd. A child with imagination oozing, yet a homespun philosopher constantly contemplating. I was amazed he can exist in such contradiction, yet with such ease and harmony. And guess what? He’s funny. As I was getting settled, he was busy adjusting the TV cable dish via mega remote. It was Sunday, after all, and there was pro football and vintage sci-fi to be seen… peripherally, of course. He promptly muted and the interview began.

Q: I’ve always been fond of this introduction. “Ladies & Gentlemen, The Dynamic, the Soulful, Mr. Lou Rawls.” What ’s your introduction?
A: “Ladies and Gentlemen. Lock your garage, fasten your tool belts, it’s Timmmm Allen!"
Q: What has been your favorite and least favorite description of you?
A: My favorite was, “well hung,” and my least favorite in reference to my comedy was, “same ol', same ol'.” I hated that. I think I’m anything but a typical stand-up.
Q: When did it first hit you that you were famous?
A: When people far more interesting than me were calling me Mister Allan.
Q: Now that you’ve “made it,” do you feel more in control of your life or more out of control?
A: Definitely more out of control. I have way too many commitments. I get pulled in too many directions and I never seem to be able to satisfy anybody. People get turned on by knowing a celebrity, even my friends and family. They feel that there’s something exciting about me, but in reality there’s no substance to it. People in airports just hold on to me expecting something and it seems that I always come up empty. It’s frustrating because I’m trying to please everybody, and ya just can’t do that… at least I can’t.
Q: Have you thought about just, you know, giving out some money?
A: No, but I did think about giving out small diamonds. “Hey Mr. Allan! Mr. Allan!” “There ya go.”
Q: Besides sharing that problem, what else do you think you and Fabio have in common?
A: We both love veemen. We leeve fer veemen, and of course we both have great man titties as Spy Magazine referred to them. The major difference between us, is that I have manly hair on my chest and he has womanly hair on his head.
Q: Ewww. That makes me squeamish. What make you squeamish?
A: Groups of people simultaneously throwing up; badly injured people on the roadside… and Disney’s lawyers. That’ll do it.
Q: Can you find humor in everything?
A: Generally, yeah.
Q: At a funeral?
A: Oh, easily. That’s a given.
Q: Is repetition funny?
A: Yes.
Q: How far do you go with it?
A: Once it starts to get annoying, you take it one more step; then it’s hilarious. When they start to get pissed off or threaten you… then you… (pause, pause, pause)… boom! One more time. Then it’s hysterical.
Q: And does everybody find it funny?
A: I think so.
Q: Hmm. Who is your favorite stand up comedian?
A: Victor Borge. Same show he’s always done and he’s still hysterical.
Q: Have you ever vomited before a performance?
A: No. Of course not.
Q: Have you ever felt like you were going to?
A: Always.
Q: Have you ever gotten an erection on stage ?
A: No, but I’ve tried. I thought it would look good. Have a little chubbie up there with me.
Q: Ah, which reminds me. Do you now own or have you ever owned a joy buzzer or a whoopee cushion?
A: Many, many whoopee cushions. I once put one under my grandmothers rear end and it actually exploded.
Q: Was it funny?
A: Very. Well, not to her. It scared her and my parents got real mad.
Q: What one thing at work frustrates you the most?
A: Moving from the world of stand-up comedy where I didn’t have so many people to deal with, to working with a corporation who really has a lot of other things on their mind other than creativity.
Q: Do you remember the people that gave you your breaks?
A: I always remember the people that give me the breaks, I forget about the people who have hurt me. Forgive and forget. Turn the other cheek. It’s not my responsibility to punish people. That’s karma’s job… whoever that is.
Q: If you could invite any six people in the world, dead or alive, to your home for a small dinner party , who would you invite and what would you serve?
A: The woman who wrote “The Handmaid’s Tale,” Margaret Atwood, because she has a very interesting slant on men, and she’s married. The author of “Sexual Personae,” Camille Paglia, because she has a very interesting slant on men and women, and she’s not married. I’d sit between them. Leonardo DaVinci in the middle of his career when he had all these weird ideas. Thomas Edison at the end of his career when he knew everything, so we’d have interesting table conversation and hear how he invented stuff. Uh, Lenny Bruce during his heyday just to piss everybody off. And then just to be a little wacky, ya gotta have Adolf Hitler there… just so I could say, “please pass the salt and by the way, what the fuck were you thinking?” Oh, and I’d serve bratwurst, potato salad and a jello mold with strawberries and bananas which in my opinion is the most popular.
Q: What’s going on in the world right now that really pisses you off?
A: I was just reading about it in Spy Magazine. Those annoying Serbs. Seriously though, the Serbs and the Croats, the Turks and the Armenians and the Palestinians and the Jews, the Irish and the English, it’s year in and year out of vendettas. It bothers me that it doesn’t seem to get any better. Only seems to get worse. It’s a cycle of violence that never ends.
Q: Mark Twain once said, “I’ve had a lot of troubles in my life, most of which never happened.”
A: Right. He was a constant worrier…like me.
Q: Why do you worry so much?
A: Because as we speak, I’m sure that I have a brain tumor . See that bruise that won’t go away ? Most likely leukemia.
Q: Oh that reminds me. Is that your true hair color or is it a henna?
A: It’s L'oreal, cuz I’m worth it, damnit.
Q: Do you think shoulder pads give people more confidence?
A: I believe they do, yes. That’s why I watch football. I like to watch the confidence.
Q: Will you ever get tired of the topic of men and women?
A: Yeah, but I haven’t expanded it as far as it will go. It’s not like I’m the first guy to ever talk about it though. It’s surprising that I’ve got any new ground at all seeing how it has been a major interest to authors, poets and artists since men and women have gotten together. It’s to my credit that I’ve found anything new on this topic at all.
Q: I’m always shocked when I hear someone say that you’re a male chauvinist. Why would they say that?
A: First, they don’t realize that to make fun of any kind of people, you have to have great respect for them. Second, they listen to one specific statement and then make a judgment. They don’t step back to listen to the bigger picture.
Q: Are you one of those men who can you find something attractive in every woman?
A: Potentially. Yes. Well, actually I’ve seen some women on talk shows that are so mad about everything that it would be very difficult to find any attractive angle, but for the most part, yes.
Q: What did you find attractive about Barbara Walters?
A: Her experience. And I like the fact that even with years and maturity, there is a flirt in every woman. There’s a cuteness. I found the thirteen year old in Barbara very quickly. I asked her if she would mind if I punched her in the face, and she said, “I just want you to remember what that lady did to her husband’s parts with a knife.” I liked her.
Q: As an adolescent, who was your first film or television crush?
A: Racquel Welch. Still is.
Q: Not Honey West?
A: No. The mole was a problem.
Q: What’s the one thing about you that you find most frustrating?
A: Self control. So much of it at some times, so little of it at other times.
Q: So it’s not your small penis?
A: No, because it’s very thick; that more then makes up for it.
Q: If you could be Tim Allen by day and a Superhero by night, who would you be?
A: Unified Theory Man! U.T… oh, that’s sounds too much like a university. Hmm. All the good ones are taken. Maybe a guy that could drum up lightning bolts whenever he wanted to. Electro Man. He could cause electrical disturbances and screw up bad guys' equipment. I guess he’d have to be rubberized because he’d have to be grounded…
Q: Yeah, ya can’t have Electro Man getting electrocuted.
A: (Lost in thought) Hmm. I wonder if he could fly on electrical currents. I’ll get right to it in my shop.
Q: And what color would your tights be?
A: Oh, I’m not thinking of tights, I’m thinking maybe lederhosen with big construction boots, just for a different look. Electro Man. Maybe a bolt on my chest.
Q: Didn’t The Flash have a bolt?
A: Oh. Maybe just a big outlet then.
Q: Would people fear Electro Man?
A: No, he’s nothing to be feared, he’s, he’s just shocking!
Q: If you discover a new button or a switch, are you compelled to touch it?
A: Yes.
Q: Why?
A: To see what it does!
Q: Hmm. So I guess working in a missile silo would be out? Why do you like sci-fi movies so much.
A: Because they stimulate the imagination. They give you a mental adventure without bullets and gunfire and they’re just as scary as any action-adventure picture.
Q: How big is your imagination?
A: Limitless. I haven’t seen the end of it yet.
Q: Do you think aliens have already visited the earth?
A: Yes, but I don’t believe they come from other planets. Something is mixing with this life but I think they come from some place much closer - from other dimensions. I find it a little odd that Incan, Aztec and all the ancient civilizations flourished at the same time, all with the same ideas that seemed to come out of nowhere.
Q: Hmm. Rather curious. Like Dr. Frankenstein, if you could build the most interesting person from bits and pieces of other people, whose mind would you use?
A: Depends if I’m building a woman or a man.
Q: Can’t it be a mix?
A: Nah, too hard to deal with. If it were half man -half woman, you’d spend all your time on talk shows.
Q: Okay, okay. Let’s go… man. Whose mind would you use?
A: Mine. Well it’s the only one I know for sure.
Q: Good point. Whose legs?
A: Jerry Rice with the 49ers.
Q: Whose face?
A: Well, I guess my face. As long as I’m using my brain and all.
Q: Whose body?
A: Maybe one of those divers or gymnasts. Strong, but flexible.
Q: Whose hands?
A: Mine. They seem to serve their purpose.
Q: Whose voice?
A: I like deep voices. Maybe Earl (Wilson, the neightbor) from Home Improvement.
Q: Whose heart?
A: Mine.
Q: Do you have a big heart?
A: I think so. (Pause) Geez, what an odd thing to build. It’s basically me, with Greg Louganis' torso and some black guy’s legs. There’s a pretty picture.
Q: Why do you like to build things?
A: To accomplish something.
Q: Do you enjoy working with wood?
A: Yes. It smells good. You can mold it into any shape and it’s from something that grows.
Q: Then I need to ask an age old question. In your opinion, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Just roughly?
A: Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, “how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if,” so you haven’t established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don’t think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.
Q: Wow. Okay. Do you think the Taylor family on Home Improvement is a realistic family or an idealistic family?
A: As realistic as it can be. I think it’s idealistic to the audience because they’re only seeing us for twenty minutes a week. There’s only so much you can show in twenty minutes. Like I’ve never talked to my mother on the phone in two and a half years. You’ve never heard from her, you’ve never seen her. And they fully imply that she lives near us.
Q: What’s the most meaningful compliment you’ve ever received regarding your work on Home Improvement?
A: A marriage counselor once told me that they use Home Improvement to show couples how you can argue about points and not win or lose, but understand more about how the other person feels. Another was a corporate head whom I met at a cocktail party and he said, “I generally don’t say this, but your show means a lot to me, because after the show, my teenage sons and I sit down and talk about what Wilson meant. It’s the first time we’ve ever sat down as men and discussed things in a non-aggressive way. “Those kind of things make it worthwhile.
Q: Where do you see the Taylors in ten years?
A: A police line-up somewhere or maybe on Hollywood Squares. Ewww. And the boys kind of look young but they’re older. Their hair’s all different. Oh, that’s weird. That’s too scary to think about.
Q: What’s on your Christmas list for this year?
A: A Lichtenstein. I want a Roy Lichtenstein. I love his art. That’s all I want.
Q: Umm. Does anyone know you want it, besides me, because I don’t think I want that responsibility?
A: Don’t worry, I told Laura. (wife)
Q: And speaking of Santa, you’re going to be playing the part of Santa in your first feature. Are you excited about it?
A: Yes, but this is not a project that should be taken lightly. I have a very intense vision of how this film should look. This is Santa Claus! It’s got to be done right because Santa Claus is an icon.
Q: What does Santa mean to you?
A: It’s all about giving. It’s so wonderful because people spend time actually thinking about other people.
Q: And how are you preparing for the role of Santa?
A: I’m encouraging young girls to sit on my lap.
Q: What’s the one dumb joke that’s been around forever, that still makes you laugh?
A: A lady is walking down the beach in Florida and she looks up in the sky and a bird poops right in her face. She yells to her husband, “Harvey, Harvey, go get me some toilet paper.” And he looks up and says, “Why? That bird’s probably miles away by now.” (pause) Dumb joke, but it always makes me laugh.
Q: Just in case this whole comedy thing doesn’t pan out for you, what kind of store could you open?
A: Hardware. I’d sell the best hammers, screwdrivers and hand tools in the world. Maybe a little coffee counter and the newspaper so guys can come in on Saturday mornings and just B.S.
Q: Like Sharper Image, would you let people test the hammers out first?
A: Oh yeah. Lots of tester nails for them to pound into the wood floors. Hmm. Maybe in the back a little area for tetanus shots.
Q: Complimentary?
A: Of course.
Q: I know you probably don’t want to talk about it but before I end this interview, I would be amiss if I didn’t mention the two darkest years of your life where you took a wrong turn back in the late seventies. As everybody knows by now, you spent twenty eight months performing in a lounge act in the Catskills. I’m curious. What was the song most requested?
A: Moon River.
Q: And I have to know. What did you wear?
A: A sharkskin black blazer and I went under the name of Jackie Pearl.
Q: That’s right… .Jackie Pearl. And wasn’t there a woman who performed with you?
A: Yes. Gina. Every night I’d get to say, “And of course, you all know the lovely Gina.”
Q: What did you learn from that experience?
A: The highway out of the Catskills.
Q: Do you have a favorite quote?
A: “If you didn’t know how old you are, how old would you be?”
Q: And what’s the answer for you?
A: Fourteen.